Thursday, January 12, 2012

Signs Point To Oh Hell No

It's still the start of the new year and decisions are on my mind.  I don't make resolutions because decisions sound, you know, more decisive.  However I am a Libra and as such I need a little help sometimes so this year I'm making all major decisions via Magic 8 Ball.  The poor thing got such a work out a couple of weeks ago that I think it's permanently bubblfied (is that a word?  It should be) but ultimately I think I chose the best possible course of action for everyone concerned. 

See, here's the thing:  I love competitions.  Trivial Pursuit?  I'll kick your butt so hard your mamma's gonna feel it.  Pictionary?  I'll stuff that pen up your left nostril and make you cry faster than you can draw a pictogram for "linen."  Anyway, competitions for me include auctions.  My husband won't let me watch Storage Wars anymore because I'm always ready to kick booty when they all start ganging up on Barry, who I adore.  So when the Hobbit set visit auction came up it hit my competitive streak hard so I consulted my Magic 8 Ball.  All I really wanted to know was if I'd win the lottery soon because I knew the bidding would be fierce but Magic 8 Ball took the opportunity to deliver one of those pesky Cosmic Lesson things it occasionally tries to stuff down my throat.  For a toy it can be incredibly judgemental.

I knew something was up when I asked it my control question -- "Magic 8 Ball, do I secretly want to be Batgirl?" -- and instead of answering "Signs point to yes" it said "Reply hazy, try again later."  Hmm.  I played along, though, and asked again a few hours later and this time it answered like it normally does.  Then I asked, "Magic 8 Ball, should I play the lottery in hopes of winning enough money to make a bid on the Hobbit set visit?" and it said, "Wait for a sign."  Again, hmm.  That's a not a factory-loaded answer.  A sign, huh?

When other people get signs they get apparitions of saints and falling stars and fireworks and other really cool stuff.  My sign came in the form of an inter-office memo and if you knew me in Real Life you'd know how quickly that got my attention.  Someone rang my doorbell and when I went to answer it whoever it was had disappeared but had left behind a well worn inter-office envelope with several names above mine scratched out.  It appeared to be the property of Dewey, Screwem and Howe, Attorneys at Law from Los Angeles and how it wound up on my doorstep is a mystery but the contents were definitely for me.  There was a Post-It note attached to the memo that said, "This is for you."  This document, as it turned out, was a window into the future.


J. Smedley Smithers, Esq.
Dewey, Screwem and Howe
1234 Avenue of the Stars Ste. 5
Los Angeles, CA 90026
(212) 555-1000


To:  The Cast and Crew of the Hobbit
RE:  The Tea Pot Incident
Date:  March 3, 2012

As per my recent phone call with Sir Peter Jackson I would like to reiterate some important points regarding the recent “Tea Pot Incident” involving a “blogger” who identifies herself as “jazzbaby1.”  Your attention to these matters will allow for a smooth transition back to full production as soon as possible.

  1. It is the opinion of the New Zealand Immigration Service, the US Immigration Service and the psychiatric unit at St. Dymphna’s that the best course of action regarding this “incident” is to deport “jazzbaby1” and ban her from travelling to New Zealand ever again.  St. Dymphna’s believes that prosecution would simply prolong their patient’s problems.

  1. We are looking into whether the seventeen different restraining orders can be rolled into one.  These protections will be effective within the US as well, though we are double checking Puerto Rico, the US Virgin Islands and Guam.

  1. Regarding the mental health and well being of Richard Armitage, he is said to be resting comfortably and is on the mend.  To facilitate his continued recovery St. Dymphna’s has requested that you follow the protocols listed below.

    1. Please remove ALL tea and tea related items from the set, including but not limited to:  tea cups, tea, strainers, servers, spoons, lemons, sugar and of course tea pots.  ESPECIALLY tea pots.
    2. If the “tea” stain is impossible to remove please replace the carpet as soon as possible.
    3. DO NOT use the following words.       
1.      Tea pot
2.      Tea cozy
3.      Earl Grey
4.      Kielbasa

    1. Until further notice please refrain from playing Billie Holliday within Mr. Armitage’s hearing.  Another patient on the ward at St. Dymphna’s sang “God Bless the Child” one night last week and it took six orderlies to wrestle him into a straight jacket.
    2. Though the days of his donning a mop head, leaping onto a medicine cart and shouting, “I’M JOEY RAMONE AND I WANNA BE SEDATED!” seem to be blessedly behind him we don’t want to trigger a relapse so the entire Ramones catalog is considered off limits at this point as well.   

On a positive note, this “incident” has led Interpol to crack a ring of suspected identification forgers.  In every cloud there’s a silver lining.  If you have any questions, please contact my paralegal at the number above, extension 230.


Best regards,
J. Smedley Smithers, Esq.

I picked up the phone, ready to give J. Smedley Smithers, Esq., a fresh piece of my mind I'd cracked off that morning when my Magic 8 Ball rolled over next to me on the couch.  It dawned on me that this was my sign so I picked it up and gave it a shake.

"Magic 8 Ball, do I secretly want to be Batgirl?" I asked.

"Signs point to yes," it answered.

"Was what I just read what will be or what could be?"

-- "Concentrate and ask again."

I thought for a moment and rephrased my question.  "Magic 8 Ball, if I try to play the lottery will I win?"

-- "Without a doubt."

"And if I win the lottery and place a bid I'll win the auction?"

-- "Yes -- Definitely."

"And I'll leave destruction in my wake?"

-- "Outlook good."

Wow.  Okey dokey then.  I pondered that piece of information for a couple of moments.  I took a deep breath and let it go but I still had one last question.

"I'm still your favorite Batgirl wanna be, right?"

-- "Reply hazy, try again later."

12 comments:

  1. ROLFOL!! Silliness?! I thought you were serious. :D Love this!!

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  2. LOL! Great post Jazzbaby. RA donning a mop head, leaping onto a medicine cart and shouting, “I’M JOEY RAMONE AND I WANNA BE SEDATED!” - now there's a sight to be seen :-)

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  3. @Frenz...thanks!

    @ChrisB...dude, I would pay good money to see that, lol!

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  4. Wow a blogpost written by a Magic 8 Ball. Cool!

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  5. Love this! Made me laugh out loud!

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  6. Hi Jazzy!
    Giggles ... TIMES TEN!
    Cheers! Grati ;->

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  7. Hilarious, Jazzy!!!!! I love it!! :)

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  8. JB, you are a riot. But you do know that I'm the fav Batgirl wannabee, right? Or is it the WOnderwoman wannabee. Whatever. Love your blog!

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  9. Thanks, NB. Uh, I think you're the wonder Woman but I could be wrong.

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Thanks for commenting!