Monday, October 15, 2012

Jose Chung, You Are A Friend Of Mine

Remember my lovely visit with Jose Chung during FanstRAvaganza3?  He really was charming and every now and again he drops me a note letting me know how he's doing.  Frank Spotnitz hasn't killed any heroes recently so he's kind of twiddling his thumbs in his position as Prothonotary of Dead Heroes.  He's tried all kinds of things to alleviate the tedium, like hackey sack with Melvin Frohike, but recently he's taken to "liberating" magic documents and since I'm the magic documents contact he occasionally sends me things that he thinks might interest me.

A couple of days ago I found another interoffice envelope shoved under my door.  There was an outraged handwritten note attached to a sheaf of papers.

"Is THIS the kind of thing they're doing these days?  Mulder and Scully were only action figures!  Why didn't I think of this?  The Lonely Buddha would have been a natural for a plush doll!  The Caligarian Canditate would have been a perfect board game!  I could have been in Tahiti instead of that hotel room!

Best Regards,
Chung"

Do you know how creepy it is when your correspondent refers to his own death?  Okay, maybe that one's just me.  Anyway, I was almost afraid to look but, not having my Magic 8 Ball to consult (it's pouting), I decided to just be decisive and read the damn thing.  I really hope this isn't one of those "window into the future" things that the last one was because yeow.

 
Cecil Y. Nic and Sons
Marketing Geniuses and Venture Guys
Los Angeles, CA
 
 
To: Sons
From:  Cecil Y. Nic
Re: What Went Wrong
Date:  November 10, 2012
 
The Hobbit is going to be released in a little over a month and the money is already starting to roll in to everybody but us.  Would someone like to explain this to me?  It's the holidays, for the love of Mike, we should be making money hand over fist.
 
 To:  Cecil Y. Nic and Sons 2 and 3
From:  Son 1 
Re:  What Went Wrong
Date:  November 10, 2012
 
I'd like to know what went wrong, too.  I'm not sure how the Dwarf Shrinky Dink deal fell apart but as you know that's been my focus for the last several months.  Any contributions from my brothers would be helpful.
 
To: Cecil Y. Nic and Sons 1 and 3
From:  Son 2
Re:  What Went Wrong
Date:  November 10, 2012
 
The Dwarf Shrinky Dink deal fell apart because it was the dumbest idea in the history of dumb ideas.  The smell of burning hair put off your five-to-ten-year-old focus group.   Hope that helps.  By the way, dad, Son 3 left six months ago.
 
To:  Cecil Y. Nic and Son 2
From:  Son 1
Re:  What Went Wrong
Date:  November 10, 2012
 
That's helpful, thanks.  Refresh my memory, what happened with the Smaug dental care line?  Have you found someone who'll buy all 16,000 cases of Dragon's Breath Mouth Wash?
 
To:  Sons
From:  Cecil Y. Nic
Re:  What Went Wrong
Date:  November 10, 2012
 
SIXTEEN THOUSAND CASES?  Who authorized that?  And where did your brother go?
 
To:  Cecil Y. Nic and Son 1
From: Son 2
Re:  What Went Wrong
Date:  November 10, 2012
 
He went to Alaska on a fishing boat, don't you remember?  And I was thinking about the mouthwash.  Could we donate it to charity for a photo op/tax write off? 
 
To:  Cecil Y. Nic and Son 2
From: Son 1
Re:  What Went Wrong
Date:  November 10, 2012
 
16,000 cases x 8 bottles a case is 128,000 bottles.  Who has that much bad breath?  Could we convert it to air freshener and bundle it with the Shrinky Dinks to take care of the burning hair smell?
 
To:  Cecil Y. Nic and Son 1
From:  Son 2
Re:  What Went Wrong
Date:  November 10, 2012
 
You're not taking my Dragon's Breath, hoser!  Dad!
 
To: Sons
From:  Cecil Y. Nic
Re:  What Went Wrong
Date:  November 10, 2012
 
Knock it off, guys.  Okay, look, here's the plan.  Take half of the bottles and find a charity to take them off our hands.  Use that photographer we worked with when we donated all the Gandalf Granola ten years ago.  Then take most of the other half and make air freshener out of them.  Call it Magic Dwarf Shampoo or something.  Send a case to your brother in Alaska, let him see what he's missing.  Done.  See you guys at dinner.
 

Wow.  I slid the papers back into the envelope and set it outside on my doormat.  As I closed the door Magic 8 ball came rolling out from wherever it had been hiding.  I picked it up and asked, "Are marketing people all that crazy?" 
 
-- It is decidedly so.
 
Hmm.  "Is there really a sucker born every minute?"
 
-- Yes -- definitely.
 
Huh.  "Am I a sucker?"
 
-- Reply hazy.  Try again later.
 
 
 
 
 

4 comments:

  1. Even tho I didn't understand most of what you just said, I thought it was rather amusing. Sorry but I haven't looked at anything remotely Hobbit related...except your blog of course! Lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, honey, let me send you links. I'm wondering if they hired the old New Kids On The Block marketing team, lol...

      Delete
  2. Dwarf shrinky dink -- you could definitely pull that one out further. Do shrunken people fetishize even smaller things? :)

    Fantastic!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! I found a tutorial for homemade shrinky dinks in case anyone's up to the challenge...

      http://creativewithkids.com/recycled-plastic-shrinky-dinks/

      Delete

Thanks for commenting!