Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Things To Do In Mirkwood When You're Stoned

Okay, so the jury's been out for me on whether to believe Armitage when he says he has no experience with being stoned because it can be difficult to tell when he's putting us on. That could be mischief in his eyes or it could be camera glare, you never know. Based on the Mirkwood sequence that I saw last night I'm coming down on the side of boyfriend has never smoked pot and apparently neither has anyone else involved with The Desolation of Smaug. I, however, spent a good portion of my twenties baked to the gills (I know, you're all shocked, smelling salts are on the table under the Cheetos) so I'm going to Netpick here a little bit.

1. The soundtrack. I love the music for these movies but c'mon. If you want me to believe the dwarves were stoned we need some Pink Floyd. Apparently I have to wait for the DVD and sync it up with Dark Side of the Moon myself which is just poor planning on your part, Warner Bros.

2. The lack of conspiracy discussions. They did paranoid just fine but, I mean, like, this Arkenstone thing, like, what if, like, it's Smaug's egg or something, and he or she, 'cause, like, I mean, have you ever seen a dragon wang? You know some cultures, like, they use powdered dragon wang as, like, an aphrodisiac, right? What were we talking about?

3. No giggling. Really? You get that's how being stoned works, right? It makes you mellow and giggly and gives you the munchies? The only one who smiled at all was Bilbo when he was surrounded by butterflies that, regrettably, did NOT morph into Cool Ranch Doritos.

4. The violence. Stoners aren't violent. The thing that Dwalin did the many times with his fists? Uh, no. Chill out, dude. Smoke a bowl.

5. The paranoia. I said up there somewhere that they did paranoia just fine and while, yes, they did it didn't go far enough. You know how sometimes you kind of vaguely wonder if your life really is like The Truman Show? This is not an idle thought for most stoners I have known or been. There always comes a point in stoner conversations, between the Beatles/Klaatu discussion and what really happened at Roswell, that covers exactly how much we're being watched all the time. If the dwarves were truly stoned they'd have noticed the cameras following them.

Okay so stoned? I'm saying no. A bad trip? I'd say yes but my tripping experience is limited to over my own two feet and tryptophan-induced hallucinations. Anyone else have any ideas about what they stumbled into there? Comments are open.

18 comments:

  1. I think boyfriend was hedging a bit. But I agree on everything else. As someone who indeed has not done it, but used to walk the streets of the town where she went to grad school during the hemp fest, I can completely attest to the validity of all of your other argumentation.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hedging? Whatever do you mean? Are you implying he's ever anything less than straight with us? ;)

      Delete
    2. Who me? Saying Armitage the Great occasionally doesn't tell the whole truth?

      Delete
  2. Honey, if you think for one minute Bilbo climbed a tree in a forest that was decaying and saw beautiful butterflies and he wasn't trippin', then I never inhaled.

    ReplyDelete
  3. for some reason it called me icepondwitch instead of The Arkenstone.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think the likelyhood that they were tripping is high (ha! I slay me) especially given the probability of mushrooms and weird little spores flying around. Armitage said stoned, though, and they clearly weren't.

      Delete
  4. As a non-inhaler I probably have no right to comment on this, but my thought was that it is simply impossible to pull it all off "under the influence". But yeah, what do I know? I'm pretty sure that they exactly know what they are (not) missing, though - even non-inhalers do...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey, I put it out there, all comments are welcome. Thanks for taking the time to do that. :)

      Delete
  5. Hmmm. Given that we're 10 days away from Christmas, the gleeful euphoria I recall as a child waiting for Santa to gift me with a dearly wanted dolly might be akin to delusional ponderings of a Dwarven kind in Mirkwood. So! Might the Dwarves have merely been looking for their presents from Santa Gandalf? And Bilbo was larking up the wrong tree? Ha!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And now Grati's smoking the mistletoe. Gettin' mighty interesting around here... ;)

      Delete
  6. LOL! Very informative, thanks Jazzy :)
    PS: I've read somwhere that Tarantino wants to do another western...
    ... of course you know that boyfriend wants to play in western,right? ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I keep hearing that from other people...is there a link where he actually said it? I respect Tarantino and if he gets a chance to work with him that's great but I wouldn't be able to watch it. I'm a little too tenderhearted for Tarantino movies.

      Delete
    2. I think Jed Brophy said that he and our boyfriend wants to play in western...the rest is pure speculation on my part :)
      I know what you are talking about, Jazzy..I can watch some scenes in Tarantino's movies only through my fingers ;)

      Delete
  7. To clarify because apparently there's some confusion: no I didn't manage to see TDOS on December 2nd. The date is a blogger error and by that I mean me and not the platform. I started writing a completely different post on December 3rd, saved it and came back to it and couldn't get it to say what I wanted it to so I rewrote it but I used the same form. I'm using the Blogger phone app currently which means that I can't change the date. I'm not sure if I could've changed it on a computer or not because I tend not to let things sit in draft for more than a couple of hours. Sorry for the confusion.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I have absolutely NO idea what on earth you're on about, but this post is hilarious nonetheless! :D

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for commenting!